Tick Tock Tick
Time has been my enemy for as long as I can remember. There is never enough of it; never enough days, never enough years in some cases. Time is usually gone before I have a chance to finish that chore, that chapter, all of the things I planned to do. There is never enough time.
What do I do about it? I try to treasure every moment that is given to me. Sometimes I do a bad job of this, but I try and that’s what counts the most, at least that’s what I’ve been told. This way when someone passes or a relationship ends, I know I’ve given 200% of myself cherishing the moments. I don’t see how I’ll ever regret that and I have not so far.
This feeling stems from the death of my dad when I was 21. Barely into adulthood and one of my biggest supporters leaves me. Of course, he was only the first to leave in many different ways, but it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t mean to leave and he tried his damndest to stay with us until his body simply couldn’t support him anymore. So he passed to another place where he no longer felt the pain.
The day after we buried him, the regrets began. The many regrets I had of things I didn’t do enough of or at all while he was alive. I didn’t go to that ballgame he wanted me to go to because it was “boring” compared with going out to my friends. I didn’t read him a really good book while he was in a coma, but instead read the sports pages of the newspaper because that’s what he was interested in. I suppose the thought counts for something on that one. I didn’t try hard enough to dig out his thoughts about life, his family, his job as a police officer. Yes, he was difficult to talk to and very quiet, but he was always interesting. I should have tried harder.
Here I am at 43 and still amazed when time runs out. I shouldn’t be. That’s just life. But I am. That hard shell I’ve been trying to grow for protection still eludes my grasp. I hope it comes in time for the next knock time throws at me. I know I can take it, I just don’t want to without better armor.