Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Boat in the Lake

I have two beautiful little boys who I am lucky to have. I know this. I also know they are very busy and sometimes, usually when I’m on a deadline, drive me nuts. They’re kids. That’s their job.

I thought being gone four nights a week fulfilling my teaching schedule, attending choir practice for our trip to Rome (yay!), and keeping my commitment to my bowling team (yes, I’m in a duckpin league, so go ahead and laugh now), would have made me feel happy. After all, I’m with grown-ups more often now, am earning a little money while gaining teaching experience, and can have a peaceful cup of coffee while listening to the radio without interruption as I drive.

While still happy, that feeling is tinged with guilt over what I am missing. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is the “nighttime guy” anyway in that he gets the baths ready, goes over homework and cleans up after dinner. If I am there, however, I can take part in the discussions, the laughter, and the corralling of the 2-year-old while the big guy gets his homework done. They have a great time with “just the guys,” but I still miss being there.

Is this the plight of a mommy who stays at home all day? Yes, I work, but I’m on my own schedule and can stop the minute the school or the daycare provider calls me. In fact, I can cancel my whole work schedule for the day or week if I want to, so why the guilt?

I think it’s because I’ve stepped out of my role a bit and out of the home a bit. It’s as if I’m trying to keep the boat near the dock and it’s slowly moving away. I know I will return to the dock, but I’m out in the middle of the lake for a time. This is fine, but I have to get used to it.

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